Wednesday 24 June 2020

Since I’m invisible

Today I am writing on a very sensitive topic, called depression. I have not read psychology, thus noting down my own study only. Do we really understand depression? Are we confusing it with worry, stress, or poverty! There are many phases in life when we start thinking, ourselves being the invisible one. I believe that is the very early stage of depression.   
I never thought I would write on this topic. However, the suicide of actor Sushant Singh Rajput has put me in front of many questions. Actor SSR was not my very favorite one, but when you see your birth year with an end on the TV screen it gives a very different spike. 
1. Why we are all mourning by his death? He was not that popular and many of us barely knew him. I believe he was not getting this much acknowledgment when he was alive!
2. How his death became so special to us? A) He was in depression and we never knew about it until he is dead. B) He dared to dream to be an artist despite having enormous merit in academia.  C) He was a middle class, very common, well-behaved man and he was a star by the hard work and endless dedication. 
3. Nepotism, grouping, cornering, negative publicity etc etc. This was not new to us! We know all about it as Bollywood made many movies on this topic such as ‘Akele hum, akele tum’, ‘Secrete superstar’, ‘Luck by chance’, ‘Rann’, ‘Fashion’ etc etc.     

I believe we were not able to process the truth that despite being in the peak of the career, achieving a number of dreams, with a good bank balance, when and why this depression entered his life! A man who loves astrophysics but lands in acting where reel and real might have been mixed long back. You can follow his interviews and show very closely for a large range of time. It might show that he was not only acting, but he was also living those characters for real! You would also find that an innocent simple boy grows up to a mature man who has been criticized by the media and Bollywood for the thought process of ‘out of the box’. During this time we never questioned the information floating around and became a catalyst for his agony. Sometimes life gives us tough choices and we take hard measures to be a part of the process out of desperation. This choice might ask for the sacrifice of the precious in the return of something important of the moment. In Bengal we have a very common say ‘অভাবে স্বভাব নষ্ট হয়, কিন্তু প্রাচুর্যও পথে বসায়’ which means poverty might destroy your nature, but affluence can also ruin you one day.   


Most of us have judged SSR for his personal choices and might have commented ‘why you are so desperate to be the part!’. Thus I would like to comment, remember those times in school when you changed your hairstyle to be the part of your favorite group. Even those times in college when you tried to learn something different as it was the cool thing to attract attention.  You might have tried alcohol, party life to be the part despite hating loud music and crowd. I believe you understand, how desperate you were or still are! Have you ever questioned yourself, then or now, ‘what for’?
 Nepotism, grouping, cornering, negative publicity happens in every profession and sometimes it starts from family. How much you can accept this pressure depends on the environment you have grown up in. A child should be raised up in such a way or his/her training should be done in a unique way where they understand their priorities and in extreme situations where to ask for help. Asking about mental health is not an Indian culture! I believe earlier this was not a big issue even as we use to live in a joint family. We might have learned about favoritism in our family and the child's mind would have evolved around it. Those times ‘Ramayan’ and ‘Mahabharat’ used to happen in most of the families in various forms. However, the situation is very different now. We all live in the virtual world and we are often confused about reality and illusion. This corona period has made it even worse. It is pathetic than living in the jungle when there wasn’t any civilization.

I was imagining, how difficult would it be for that person who was falling inside the black hole of depression every day. SSR might be trying to rise! Just think, a child who has been pampered by his family so much (as he was the only young brother of the four sisters) and must be loved by his school and college mates (as he was brilliant in academics) in the matching level. Then he was doing so well in acting and gained big attention during television time. Finally, in Bollywood, people ignored him, gave toxic comments, and judged him for his interest in science. When he should have been appreciated, he was all left alone. This ignorance might have made him feel invisible!  


Monday 31 October 2016

Character Less

This writing is entirely inspired by the latest hindi movie ‘PINK’. This movie has talked about a very much difficult, sensitive and complex topic which will force you to think several times about the situation or more specifically your stand in the society. I loved two dialogues which must be mentioned, ‘you’re a woman… of questionable character’ and ‘No-my honour, NO means NO, it’s not a word, it explains everything ….doesn’t matter who tells you NO, she can be an acquaintance or friend or prostitute or even your wife, NO say it all’. This movie made me rethink about one single word, ‘character’ and today’s writing is all about it.


 If you see English dictionary, word ‘Character’ as a noun has very simple definitions such as, ‘the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual or  the quality of being individual in an interesting or unusual way indicating the strength and originality or a person’s good reputation’. If we see it scientifically, it means physical or chemical properties of a substance. In this context I would like to comment that only for humans word ‘character’ is related to his/her reputation could be good/bad. However for any substance it would only define its unique nature. In case of human, what can be the definition of characterless then! Someone who deviates from social norms like drinking alcohol/smoking in public or having multiple relationship at the same time or various phases of life (leading to polygamy nature). This statement becomes very much judgmental when we change the gender here or it becomes meaningless for animals. Animals do have society but their norms in society is different that’s why the word ‘characterless’ do not exist there! We can present it differently also like who cannot be predicted from its previous actions, would be marked as such. As an example, when most corrupted person act honest (commonly known as biral bole mach khabo na) or a silent ordinary human being turn to rebellious (commonly known as bhuter mukhe ramnam). In both cases the unique property has been changed or destroyed, so the known characteristics are not applicable anymore!

Finally I would like to say that ‘characterless’ is just a comment, made by the humans or the society made by them. When you use this comment, please use it carefully. May be by commenting, you are creating a unique characteristics of yours. If you ask me, I would say, it’s very much complicated word. Proving a human being characterless is scientifically very difficult. However socially, it might show the depth and broadening of your mind which can be your character!

Tuesday 29 December 2015

Broken Wings

Almost after two long years I'm back for blogging. You must be surprised about the title, so this blog is about the part of my life when I felt to be a bird with broken wings and like this I came to Bangalore. The Bangalore journey was a life of a postdoctoral researcher and where I never thought that my life would become upside down.
I always wanted to return to India after my PhD for the love of my country and love of my people. I also had a plan to learn something new. I started with chemical engineering (undergrad), then electrochemistry (masters and PhD) and now it was time for materials (as suggested by my PhD supervisor). Now I cannot even remember that how I had suddenly introduced to energy storage. As soon as I finished PhD, reached India, life was not that beautiful as I've assumed in my UK days. I had started for internship in a small battery company and later I received a postdoctoral fellowship from UGC. Even then I didn't know that I was coming to IISc Bangalore. My first choice was IIT Mumbai, as I was overwhelmed with it's facility for research in energy storage. However, due to some official issue within the institute, I couldn't join there and which left me heart broken. Then I had approached to several places, but I was not able to get a positive reply. During this time I had questioned myself several times about my return to India, I simply felt rejected from every aspect.
In case of selecting cities other than Kolkata, Bangalore was my choice due to its various stories which I heard from a very special person (eventually who also left me heart broken). Even then I was unaware about the magical touch of Indian Institute of Science and suddenly IISc gave me shelter which was beyond my expectation. I must admit, from the day 1 to Matetials Research Centre, IISc send me a positive feeling that I belong here, all the rejection was only to reach here.


My adviser Prof. Prabeer Barpanda was a very new faculty (he had joined 5 month earlier than me) then. In lab, availability of equipment was not the only issue, even chemicals we (myself and 1st PhD student of the group) use to borrow from other labs. Once we thought that these lab people will see us in the corridor and would wrote in their lab door that nothing is available for borrowing! Though I must mention that initial days all the experiments use to happen only for the help from everyone including various departments in the institute. With all these help I had learnt ceramic synthesis, materials and within 6 month time I have presented poster in an international conference.
It was my adviser's suggestion that I should go for the conference taking place in Jaipur, as Jaipur is a beautiful city to travel for. But, alone it was no fun, so I manage to convince others and all together it was a journey to cherish and would be in my memory for long time. In my life it was the 1st time when I missed one entire session to explore the city. This journey also includes the travel to Agra,our desperation for Taj Mahal. Later we all came back with huge amount of tan due to so much travel in the different temperature region. On top I had received 'best poster award' in this conference.


Another memorable event was IISc's annual sports week when I got a call from swimming pool, where my friends was asking me to join the swimming competition. In these years, I forgot that during school time I use to participate in the district swimming meets. After long ten years I came back to swimming pool and it was my first swim marathon to participate. How can I forget what happened during triathlon! I was convinced by heavy emotion to take part in triathlon (for swimming part) and our group came 5th out of 75 groups for this event. I was almost renamed as water angel for materials research centre by my fellow juniors.


When I came to IISc, I was bird with torn wings-broken heart and very much scared to even see the sky. IISc (specially my adviser) in this stay of 1.5 years has enlightened me, gave me a bigger dream and goal. Taught me that life is very big and events I look as a huge mistake, in a long run its very small event, even to count for. For the peace of my mind, I had invest all my energy to learn something very new and in this run many viewpoint of life has changed. In this journey I also had left many friends behind, but they are not forgotten, our paths just became parallel. 

Now I dare to fly again and thank you for rejecting me.


                                                 ---- Swatilekha Ghosh
                                                     (29/12/2015)

Tuesday 25 February 2014

What-Why-How

This is my first blog after completing PhD, so this time I though let’s discuss about PhD. Well my friends, who are going through PhD studies, do not look for any success tips in this writing. Then my non PhD friends don’t be scared, it is not an inspiration talk. I was thinking about this topic from long time, at first I thought the tile should be ‘the beginning at the end’. Then I realise PhD is not the end and the next step must be an extension only.  After spending so many years with the topic/subjects during my MPhil & PhD, I cannot even dream about the end. Love never had an expiry date irrespective of the subject. Then if there is no end, new beginnings do not exist in this context.  Then another title for this topic came to my mind, such as ‘from caterpillar to butterfly’. Well I had to discard this title too. As I was going through job applications, soon I realize may be I’m not a butterfly yet. I may have forgotten the pupa stage, hope I don’t have to sacrifice my life for silk!
Then with time I realise that the whole Newcastle-MPhil-PhD period might have taught something else. My supervisor use to say, whenever you want to start something to move from one point to another, ask to your previous part what-why-how and ask the same questions to the next part. Let me introduce you with this theory, whenever you want to answer a question, difficult or simple, ask or prepare yourself for what-why-how. What is the question about, why you are going to choose only this answer and how you are going to reach to the answers? Using this theory I had survived past six years. Whenever the stay in Newcastle was hard or the complex issues in the PhD made me rethink about the choices, this theory was the key. I might have complained about my supervisor’s ignorance many times during past six years, as she had the answers and she refused to tell me.  Now I know, those hard days were essential for me, at least for the next big issues of life.    
Some time it’s hard to find what we want in life! In case of Indian system we always try to fulfil family’s dream. However there are some exceptions, passion builds the courage to break all the boundaries. Those usually take the risk to go beyond everyone’s expectation and then success was secondary for them. I think over the years those people think and rethink and then decide about what they want most. Life might give you choices and then you have to decide, what you want. Once you know what & why you want, you cannot look back and regret. At some point, you have to be sure about what you want, not what your family want or what your friends expect from you.   
Previously I was always confused, confusion about the next step. Then I thought lets apply the research theory. Now I actually can differentiate different events for life, like what is important at the moment, why it is so important. May be in many cases I don’t know how I’m going to achieve or survive though the whole process, but at least I can try. It is a key which can open all the locks, with this believe, I just try.  Always keep faith on your wish. Let the love for your wishes show the way to the final point. Well I also believe that there is no final point. As you move, your final point moves too. Always remember love is strength not weakness. To find the way in difficult situations always ask yourself, what-why-how, because you and only you have the answers.     

Wednesday 2 October 2013

Different shades of Love

I think love is the key factor for this world. Love has its own mystery and illusions. It cannot be defined or the definition varies in every stage of life. Starting from our childhood before we die, we all have this question what is love! Seriously what is love? We love our parents, siblings, other relatives, friends, pets even a little plant in our garden. We fall in love every day via food, movie, place, dress, computer game or might be with the way we present ourselves to this beautiful world. Some people will disagree with me, they might claim it’s like or affection or a simple sympathy. Even then after some time we usually claim ‘ohh, I just loved it’. I would say it is an effect of love. I think the main components of love are trust, affection, respect, compassion, sympathy. These create the shades in love.

Many times we wonder aimlessly thinking about love. Whom to choose and who is important! Lot of time I found myself alone in a bench copying the class notes. In the next moment I’m starring on the names written in those desks. I kept my pencil moving over the names on and on, thought that much of love is allotted for me this time. Now I know, actually I was remembering the old time and loving those memories. I realise if the bench was not empty, how I was suppose to find out the amount of love was built in that time! Some time we say, ‘i don’t love you in this way, i was thinking in other way’. I must say Love is love, there is no this way or that way. But the amount of love might be different, do not confuse love with relationship. You can love a person when you do not have a relationship with him or her. All relationships are bounded by love but love is not bounded by the relationships. Now some people might come up saying ‘what about the relationship bonded by hatred’, well to hate a person even for a moment you have loved that person. When you do not care about the person neither you have a relationship or love. It’s not a crime, if love blinds you, you will run on and on. But as soon as you realise that you cannot frame this love in a relationship, please try to fool love! I know it’s kind of impossible. Then do not run after love with a guilt notion! Accept all these shades with whole heart, may be then you will be able to choose your own shade.

 We have tried to define even the colour of love. Red is the colour of love, I don’t know who made this! Those popular card company or Valentine’s Day! I always have this question why, why red! Not blue or green or black. It is simply red because our blood is red and with that magical touch of love our heart becomes more active. Then we actually turn to red. If you have to choose a colour for love, won’t you are going to choose the favourite colour of your loved ones. If they dislike red, are you going to appear in front of them in red? Well if you love red, then it can work in other way.  So love actually have different colours, with time and age this colour will have its own shade. The time and the events of our life force us to evolve and love actually changes its shade. If you have a smooth love life irrespective of friends, family or partner, then love with appear in bright shades in many colours. The ripples in between different phases of life will give a very challenging shade to love. That’s why ripples are important; they let you choose between the phases, but never ever give up on love.  Keep faith on love.   

In my school time I wrote,
L= lot of sorrow
O=Ocean of tear
V=Valley of death
E=End of life
With time this has changed and I’m noting down the changes with different phases of my life. 


Saturday 2 March 2013

The Distance

The distance in terms of road is always negligible,
if we have managed to travel the distance between hearts......
The distance is negligible always of road in terms,
the distance if we have travelled between hearts managed to.....
If between hearts, the distance we have travel managed to,
always negligible is the distance of road in terms....
The distance of road is always in terms negligible,
the distance managed to travel between hearts, if we have....
Road in terms is always negligible,
if the hearts travelled have managed the distance between distance of 'we'......
Negligible road,
travelled in the distance between distance,
the hearts of we, have managed always the term 'if'.....
Travelled, managed, the distance, the road,
have we always neglected the term 'if'!
the distance in between hearts!

                                                                   











                                                                          --------Swatilekha ghosh
                                                                                         (2/3/13)

Inspired by : "আমার মনে নেই " - Anupam Roy and "830 Fireplace Road" - John Yau

Sunday 9 December 2012

The fire

The smell of flames,
made me restless...........
An invisible source,
like fighting with a ghost....
The fire was inside me,
it was burning me everyday,
let it burn me only to purify.....
As I believe,
I deserve to be burnt....
Hope when the fire will die away,
it will take away my pain....
There is always a hope at the end.

                                                       ---- Swatilekha Ghosh  
                                                             (9th December, 2012)