Since I’m invisible

Today I am writing on a very sensitive topic, called depression. I have not read psychology, thus noting down my own study only. Do we really understand depression? Are we confusing it with worry, stress, or poverty! There are many phases in life when we start thinking, ourselves being the invisible one. I believe that is the very early stage of depression.   

I never thought I would write on this topic. However, the suicide of actor Sushant Singh Rajput has put me in front of many questions. Actor SSR was not my very favorite one, but when you see your birth year with an end on the TV screen it gives a very different spike. 

1. Why we are all mourning by his death? He was not that popular and many of us barely knew him. I believe he was not getting this much acknowledgment when he was alive!

2. How his death became so special to us? A) He was in depression and we never knew about it until he is dead. B) He dared to dream to be an artist despite having enormous merit in academia.  C) He was a middle class, very common, well-behaved man and he was a star by the hard work and endless dedication. 

3. Nepotism, grouping, cornering, negative publicity etc etc. This was not new to us! We know all about it as Bollywood made many movies on this topic such as ‘Akele hum, akele tum’, ‘Secrete superstar’, ‘Luck by chance’, ‘Rann’, ‘Fashion’ etc etc.     

I believe we were not able to process the truth that despite being in the peak of the career, achieving a number of dreams, with a good bank balance, when and why this depression entered his life! A man who loves astrophysics but lands in acting where reel and real might have been mixed long back. You can follow his interviews and show very closely for a large range of time. It might show that he was not only acting, but he was also living those characters for real! You would also find that an innocent simple boy grows up to a mature man who has been criticized by the media and Bollywood for the thought process of ‘out of the box’. During this time we never questioned the information floating around and became a catalyst for his agony. Sometimes life gives us tough choices and we take hard measures to be a part of the process out of desperation. This choice might ask for the sacrifice of the precious in the return of something important of the moment. In Bengal we have a very common say ‘অভাবে স্বভাব নষ্ট হয়, কিন্তু প্রাচুর্যও পথে বসায়’ which means poverty might destroy your nature, but affluence can also ruin you one day.   

Most of us have judged SSR for his personal choices and might have commented ‘why you are so desperate to be the part!’. Thus I would like to comment, remember those times in school when you changed your hairstyle to be the part of your favorite group. Even those times in college when you tried to learn something different as it was the cool thing to attract attention.  You might have tried alcohol, party life to be the part despite hating loud music and crowd. I believe you understand, how desperate you were or still are! Have you ever questioned yourself, then or now, ‘what for’?

 Nepotism, grouping, cornering, negative publicity happens in every profession and sometimes it starts from family. How much you can accept this pressure depends on the environment you have grown up in. A child should be raised up in such a way or his/her training should be done in a unique way where they understand their priorities and in extreme situations where to ask for help. Asking about mental health is not an Indian culture! I believe earlier this was not a big issue even as we use to live in a joint family. We might have learned about favoritism in our family and the child's mind would have evolved around it. Those times ‘Ramayan’ and ‘Mahabharat’ used to happen in most of the families in various forms. However, the situation is very different now. We all live in the virtual world and we are often confused about reality and illusion. This corona period has made it even worse. It is pathetic than living in the jungle when there wasn’t any civilization.

I was imagining, how difficult would it be for that person who was falling inside the black hole of depression every day. SSR might be trying to rise! Just think, a child who has been pampered by his family so much (as he was the only young brother of the four sisters) and must be loved by his school and college mates (as he was brilliant in academics) in the matching level. Then he was doing so well in acting and gained big attention during television time. Finally, in Bollywood, people ignored him, gave toxic comments, and judged him for his interest in science. When he should have been appreciated, he was all left alone. This ignorance might have made him feel invisible!  

Character Less

This writing is entirely inspired by the latest hindi movie ‘PINK’. This movie has talked about a very much difficult, sensitive and complex topic which will force you to think several times about the situation or more specifically your stand in the society. I loved two dialogues which must be mentioned, ‘you’re a woman… of questionable character’ and ‘No-my honour, NO means NO, it’s not a word, it explains everything ….doesn’t matter who tells you NO, she can be an acquaintance or friend or prostitute or even your wife, NO say it all’. This movie made me rethink about one single word, ‘character’ and today’s writing is all about it.

 If you see English dictionary, word ‘Character’ as a noun has very simple definitions such as, ‘the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual or  the quality of being individual in an interesting or unusual way indicating the strength and originality or a person’s good reputation’. If we see it scientifically, it means physical or chemical properties of a substance. In this context I would like to comment that only for humans word ‘character’ is related to his/her reputation could be good/bad. However for any substance it would only define its unique nature. In case of human, what can be the definition of characterless then! Someone who deviates from social norms like drinking alcohol/smoking in public or having multiple relationship at the same time or various phases of life (leading to polygamy nature). This statement becomes very much judgmental when we change the gender here or it becomes meaningless for animals. Animals do have society but their norms in society is different that’s why the word ‘characterless’ do not exist there! We can present it differently also like who cannot be predicted from its previous actions, would be marked as such. As an example, when most corrupted person act honest (commonly known as biral bole mach khabo na) or a silent ordinary human being turn to rebellious (commonly known as bhuter mukhe ramnam). In both cases the unique property has been changed or destroyed, so the known characteristics are not applicable anymore!

Finally I would like to say that ‘characterless’ is just a comment, made by the humans or the society made by them. When you use this comment, please use it carefully. May be by commenting, you are creating a unique characteristics of yours. If you ask me, I would say, it’s very much complicated word. Proving a human being characterless is scientifically very difficult. However socially, it might show the depth and broadening of your mind which can be your character!

Broken Wings

Almost after two long years I'm back for blogging. You must be surprised about the title, so this blog is about the part of my life when I felt to be a bird with broken wings and like this I came to Bangalore. The Bangalore journey was a life of a postdoctoral researcher and where I never thought that my life would become upside down.
I always wanted to return to India after my PhD for the love of my country and love of my people. I also had a plan to learn something new. I started with chemical engineering (undergrad), then electrochemistry (masters and PhD) and now it was time for materials (as suggested by my PhD supervisor). Now I cannot even remember that how I had suddenly introduced to energy storage. As soon as I finished PhD, reached India, life was not that beautiful as I've assumed in my UK days. I had started for internship in a small battery company and later I received a postdoctoral fellowship from UGC. Even then I didn't know that I was coming to IISc Bangalore. My first choice was IIT Mumbai, as I was overwhelmed with it's facility for research in energy storage. However, due to some official issue within the institute, I couldn't join there and which left me heart broken. Then I had approached to several places, but I was not able to get a positive reply. During this time I had questioned myself several times about my return to India, I simply felt rejected from every aspect.
In case of selecting cities other than Kolkata, Bangalore was my choice due to its various stories which I heard from a very special person (eventually who also left me heart broken). Even then I was unaware about the magical touch of Indian Institute of Science and suddenly IISc gave me shelter which was beyond my expectation. I must admit, from the day 1 to Matetials Research Centre, IISc send me a positive feeling that I belong here, all the rejection was only to reach here.

My adviser Prof. Prabeer Barpanda was a very new faculty (he had joined 5 month earlier than me) then. In lab, availability of equipment was not the only issue, even chemicals we (myself and 1st PhD student of the group) use to borrow from other labs. Once we thought that these lab people will see us in the corridor and would wrote in their lab door that nothing is available for borrowing! Though I must mention that initial days all the experiments use to happen only for the help from everyone including various departments in the institute. With all these help I had learnt ceramic synthesis, materials and within 6 month time I have presented poster in an international conference.
It was my adviser's suggestion that I should go for the conference taking place in Jaipur, as Jaipur is a beautiful city to travel for. But, alone it was no fun, so I manage to convince others and all together it was a journey to cherish and would be in my memory for long time. In my life it was the 1st time when I missed one entire session to explore the city. This journey also includes the travel to Agra,our desperation for Taj Mahal. Later we all came back with huge amount of tan due to so much travel in the different temperature region. On top I had received 'best poster award' in this conference.

Another memorable event was IISc's annual sports week when I got a call from swimming pool, where my friends was asking me to join the swimming competition. In these years, I forgot that during school time I use to participate in the district swimming meets. After long ten years I came back to swimming pool and it was my first swim marathon to participate. How can I forget what happened during triathlon! I was convinced by heavy emotion to take part in triathlon (for swimming part) and our group came 5th out of 75 groups for this event. I was almost renamed as water angel for materials research centre by my fellow juniors.

When I came to IISc, I was bird with torn wings-broken heart and very much scared to even see the sky. IISc (specially my adviser) in this stay of 1.5 years has enlightened me, gave me a bigger dream and goal. Taught me that life is very big and events I look as a huge mistake, in a long run its very small event, even to count for. For the peace of my mind, I had invest all my energy to learn something very new and in this run many viewpoint of life has changed. In this journey I also had left many friends behind, but they are not forgotten, our paths just became parallel. 

Now I dare to fly again and thank you for rejecting me.

                                                 ---- Swatilekha Ghosh

                                                     (29/12/2015)

What-Why-How

This is my first blog after completing PhD, so this time I though let’s discuss about PhD. Well my friends, who are going through PhD studies, do not look for any success tips in this writing. Then my non PhD friends don’t be scared, it is not an inspiration talk. I was thinking about this topic from long time, at first I thought the tile should be ‘the beginning at the end’. Then I realise PhD is not the end and the next step must be an extension only.  After spending so many years with the topic/subjects during my MPhil & PhD, I cannot even dream about the end. Love never had an expiry date irrespective of the subject. Then if there is no end, new beginnings do not exist in this context.  Then another title for this topic came to my mind, such as ‘from caterpillar to butterfly’. Well I had to discard this title too. As I was going through job applications, soon I realize may be I’m not a butterfly yet. I may have forgotten the pupa stage, hope I don’t have to sacrifice my life for silk!

Then with time I realise that the whole Newcastle-MPhil-PhD period might have taught something else. My supervisor use to say, whenever you want to start something to move from one point to another, ask to your previous part what-why-how and ask the same questions to the next part. Let me introduce you with this theory, whenever you want to answer a question, difficult or simple, ask or prepare yourself for what-why-how. What is the question about, why you are going to choose only this answer and how you are going to reach to the answers? Using this theory I had survived past six years. Whenever the stay in Newcastle was hard or the complex issues in the PhD made me rethink about the choices, this theory was the key. I might have complained about my supervisor’s ignorance many times during past six years, as she had the answers and she refused to tell me.  Now I know, those hard days were essential for me, at least for the next big issues of life.    

Some time it’s hard to find what we want in life! In case of Indian system we always try to fulfil family’s dream. However there are some exceptions, passion builds the courage to break all the boundaries. Those usually take the risk to go beyond everyone’s expectation and then success was secondary for them. I think over the years those people think and rethink and then decide about what they want most. Life might give you choices and then you have to decide, what you want. Once you know what & why you want, you cannot look back and regret. At some point, you have to be sure about what you want, not what your family want or what your friends expect from you.   

Previously I was always confused, confusion about the next step. Then I thought lets apply the research theory. Now I actually can differentiate different events for life, like what is important at the moment, why it is so important. May be in many cases I don’t know how I’m going to achieve or survive though the whole process, but at least I can try. It is a key which can open all the locks, with this believe, I just try.  Always keep faith on your wish. Let the love for your wishes show the way to the final point. Well I also believe that there is no final point. As you move, your final point moves too. Always remember love is strength not weakness. To find the way in difficult situations always ask yourself, what-why-how, because you and only you have the answers.     

Different shades of Love

I think love is the key factor for this world. Love has its own mystery and illusions. It cannot be defined or the definition varies in every stage of life. Starting from our childhood before we die, we all have this question what is love! Seriously what is love? We love our parents, siblings, other relatives, friends, pets even a little plant in our garden. We fall in love every day via food, movie, place, dress, computer game or might be with the way we present ourselves to this beautiful world. Some people will disagree with me, they might claim it’s like or affection or a simple sympathy. Even then after some time we usually claim ‘ohh, I just loved it’. I would say it is an effect of love. I think the main components of love are trust, affection, respect, compassion, sympathy. These create the shades in love.

Many times we wonder aimlessly thinking about love. Whom to choose and who is important! Lot of time I found myself alone in a bench copying the class notes. In the next moment I’m starring on the names written in those desks. I kept my pencil moving over the names on and on, thought that much of love is allotted for me this time. Now I know, actually I was remembering the old time and loving those memories. I realise if the bench was not empty, how I was suppose to find out the amount of love was built in that time! Some time we say, ‘i don’t love you in this way, i was thinking in other way’. I must say Love is love, there is no this way or that way. But the amount of love might be different, do not confuse love with relationship. You can love a person when you do not have a relationship with him or her. All relationships are bounded by love but love is not bounded by the relationships. Now some people might come up saying ‘what about the relationship bonded by hatred’, well to hate a person even for a moment you have loved that person. When you do not care about the person neither you have a relationship or love. It’s not a crime, if love blinds you, you will run on and on. But as soon as you realise that you cannot frame this love in a relationship, please try to fool love! I know it’s kind of impossible. Then do not run after love with a guilt notion! Accept all these shades with whole heart, may be then you will be able to choose your own shade.

 We have tried to define even the colour of love. Red is the colour of love, I don’t know who made this! Those popular card company or Valentine’s Day! I always have this question why, why red! Not blue or green or black. It is simply red because our blood is red and with that magical touch of love our heart becomes more active. Then we actually turn to red. If you have to choose a colour for love, won’t you are going to choose the favourite colour of your loved ones. If they dislike red, are you going to appear in front of them in red? Well if you love red, then it can work in other way.  So love actually have different colours, with time and age this colour will have its own shade. The time and the events of our life force us to evolve and love actually changes its shade. If you have a smooth love life irrespective of friends, family or partner, then love with appear in bright shades in many colours. The ripples in between different phases of life will give a very challenging shade to love. That’s why ripples are important; they let you choose between the phases, but never ever give up on love.  Keep faith on love.   

In my school time I wrote,

L= lot of sorrow

O=Ocean of tear

V=Valley of death

E=End of life

With time this has changed and I’m noting down the changes with different phases of my life. 

The Distance

The distance in terms of road is always negligible,
if we have managed to travel the distance between hearts......
The distance is negligible always of road in terms,
the distance if we have travelled between hearts managed to.....
If between hearts, the distance we have travel managed to,
always negligible is the distance of road in terms....
The distance of road is always in terms negligible,
the distance managed to travel between hearts, if we have....
Road in terms is always negligible,
if the hearts travelled have managed the distance between distance of 'we'......
Negligible road,
travelled in the distance between distance,
the hearts of we, have managed always the term 'if'.....
Travelled, managed, the distance, the road,
have we always neglected the term 'if'!
the distance in between hearts!

                                                                   











                                                                          --------Swatilekha ghosh
                                                                                         (2/3/13)

Inspired by : "আমার মনে নেই " - Anupam Roy and "830 Fireplace Road" - John Yau

The fire

The smell of flames,
made me restless...........
An invisible source,
like fighting with a ghost....
The fire was inside me,
it was burning me everyday,
let it burn me only to purify.....
As I believe,
I deserve to be burnt....
Hope when the fire will die away,
it will take away my pain....
There is always a hope at the end.

                                                       ---- Swatilekha Ghosh  
                                                             (9th December, 2012)

Disease or cure!!!!!!!!!

         Again i’m back after 6month...well I can say that I was busy with my work..finishing up experiments, as my PhD time was finishing......etc etc etc....main reason is I didn’t had a topic on my mind or I had lost the inspiration for writing. This topic is based on one of my friend’s FB status ‘Madness is not a disease; it's a cure to feel free’. So today I will talk about madness and it should be or not considered as disease or cure.

         Before stating anything we need to discuss what is considered as ‘madness’. This is the biggest question in everyone’s mind; I must agree it is a relative parameter. What I consider as madness may not be to you, it can be very normal attitude. Lets start with some example: once I saw one of my neighbour ran away with her lover, as their family was not happy in their happiness, as usual the girl was getting married to other person. So her disappearance was not crazy, but her father’s act was definitely crazy! After she left, her father was about to kill the couple and himself!!! Well this incident didn’t take place but I thought the father was crazy. Then there was a guys in our school, very talented, he ranked within 20 in his board exam within state. Then instead of becoming a doctor/engineer he studied literature. I can still remember, most people in the school said ‘he has lost his mind’.  I had a friend who always gives up one of the favourite dish, to score well in the exam or writing letters with blood to prove love....I thought it was madness. May be all these events are normal for others but to me was crazy act. So madness should be considered as disease or not it is arguable. If someone’s madness hurts others then its a disease, otherwise what’s wrong! it’s the person’s choice. Its free world everyone can act according to their wish. But if your action hurts other, then please stop the madness. It can be cure to feel free! I would say if your action give you happiness then just act accordingly, don’t think its a cure. According to me to feel free you don’t need a cure. You need a cure when you have a disease, why a normal person is going take pills for insomnia or depression.

          I love to write poems and stories after being a PhD student in electrochemistry & materials. I wrote a letter to my best friend to wish him happy birthday after two years (when we didn’t have any contacts), & everyone thought, such a mad girl! I love working odd hours in lab, love to swing, love to cry in my favourite heroin’s sadness; love to walk 4miles every day...if that identify me as a mad one! Then.....well everyone’s action is unique, that make them individual person. That can be freedom to them, disease to others..........According to me Madness is not a disease and there is no cure to feel free.

Heroes & Villains Vs. Common man

Well I’m back with my blog after 2month, as I can’t find a suitable topic to write about. Now I have few more topics in my mind so blogs are in its way in the coming weeks.

           As I wrote in FB ‘Heroes & Villains are created by us, its hard to be a common man’ & this time the blog is all about them, the heroes, the villains and obviously the common man. Again this topic is also inspired by 2 songs, Nachiketa’s  ‘ it’s a game’ and Anjan Dutta’s  ‘ ami onnyo keu noi ami sobai’ it means, ‘I’m not special, I’m everyone’. I liked those songs so much that I started to write and I must say it will take such a huge will power to become everyone and bare the responsibility, consequences. Why? That’s I’m writing now.

           Let’s start with the Common man, whom you think to be a common man! We, who always complain about their life, fate, country, weather etc etc. Why we are complaining because we can not bare the truth that rest of our time, we will be common man. But it’s not easy to be a common man or everyone! To be a common man, you have to think, talk, walk, dream, wish, fear like everyone.  Then we all want to be a little different, superior than others, but end of the day we all remain the same, the common man. So if you really think that you are superior to other then you are not a common man any more, you may not know, but a hero of someone’s life and your every action counts. 

           As a common man we have lot of power, to construct something or destruct something, we make heroes, we make villains, we can show our happiness, anger, sorrow. I know everyone is surprised now, if the common man can do all these things then what remained for the heroes and the villains. Well for them, we the common man decide, what they should have, they have their thought, talk, walk, dream, wish, fear according to our expectation, as we create their superiority and inferiority according to our wish. Don’t agree!!! I will give you some example.

           Our heroes, the great actors, singers, poets or cricket players etc, the superstars of our heart, how long did we take to made them our hero! Had we ever thought that they want to be our hero or not! Now everyone will think what an awful question, obviously they love our attention. Well when they do great things make us proud, we show our love & faith on them and when they failed to reach our expectation, we made those heroes to villains. One bad score in a game, one bad performance made them a villain by us, but never thought about their expectation. Well we don’t need to because we are the common man.

           Some heroes like the scientists, Jesus Christ & others always remain as a hero, after all the ups & down. For the hero’s they never give up on the common man, they had the faith on the common man power and they always succeed to convey their message to the common man. As a common man, we have given the power of responsibility and to face the consequences, whether it is good or bad.   

           Let’s revisit the actions of the biggest villain of history, the greatest betrayer Mirzafor or the villain from epic the demon Ravan. Ravan was just trying to do a justice about the humiliation with his sister, may be his way was wrong, but the cause was not. For Mirzafor, he was just trying taking revenge, he never knew that his betray will cause a terror not only to Bengal also the whole India. Again his way was wrong not the cause. Then they never thought that their one action will keep them in history forever. May be they had good actions too, but the common man had already marked them as villains, why not! The innocent common man had to face the consequences of slavery for years. So it is hard to be common man.

           All the heroes & villains are in this time for a cause to the common man, but some time the common man also forgets that the heroes & villains were common man once. They also have the pain, joy, regret, anger like all the common man, so they are not going to act according to the expectation all the time.  

Tragic ending vs. Happily ever after

Once again my topic is about love or complication of love. This writing is all about ending of a love story, though I believe true love never ends. The persons involve in the love story dies or fade away but their love always remain with us. ‘Us’ means who have witness the love in many different ways. So this time the topic is about the love stories which have tragic ending or ends with happily ever after. According to my view, we remember those stories most which ends in pain, because somehow we relate our emotions with the motion of that story. Well lot of people will disagree with me; yes everyone has their own view point.

                      Recently I was addicted by the tv series ‘Buffy the vampire slayer’, ‘Angel’, I have watched the ‘buffy-angel’ scenes so many times.  The love portrayed there was in its purest form and yes the love story ends painfully and I liked the story a lot. This tv series was telly casted around the years of 1997-2000 and I’m watching it at 2011. If a love story can influence the viewer after 10yrs from its end time, then I need to look for the magic strings inside the story line. Then I took example of some famous or all time favourite love stories like,  Romio-Juliyet, Laila-Majnu, Rhadha-Shyam,Heer-Ranjha,  Shajahan-Mumtaj, Ram-Sita and many others.  We all love these love stories, we always give example of the love they shared and according to my view the tragic ending make the love so special to our heart that sometime we worship their love. Their devotion, sacrifice, loyalty for each other made them immortal and the pain they went through touched our heart.

           Now if I look for the love stories with happily ever after, then I find only fairy tale, where the prince rescue the princess or a very common girl and they live happily ever after. But we never came to know what happen after that happy happy ending, did they really stay happily ever after! Or it is just a phrase, there is nothing called happily ever after.  May be the true magic of love which comes with pain just fade away in the illusion of happiness.  Even in real life, the love stories around us, we always remember or talk about those stories which ended in pain. How many love stories with happily ever after we give example to others or remember after a long time!

                   So I would like to say love cannot be seen or touched.  It comes beyond the risk of five senses from the deep feeling of the heart.  Love does not have boundaries or rule, but once its magical touch in a moment change everything.  For one moment of love its worth to risk everything but at the end love will burn and leave.

A drop of rain is always precious in a desert or a glint of sunshine in a never ending dark night! So in a ‘tragic ending’ we can witness the glint, in ‘happily ever after’ the magic just fade away.  

Black Friday: Negative Energies

Well this is not about the movie or physics; this is all about my recent 9day stay in hospital. As from the title it is evident, that I didn’t like the stay at all.  I will describe the whole scenario here.

The black Friday: 15^th April (for Bengal Poila Boisakh)

       Just another sunny day, starting for university at 9.30am.......a bit late, as making some ‘cholar dal’ and choosing some song to sing, for the poila boisakh celebration in the evening at my supervisor’s place, same way in my bicycle, same speed, same road crossing etc. Everything was same until I reached near to the medical school of university.

Me: oh this man again smoking in the bike road crossing, should I ring the bell, o forget.....I took crazy turn here before..............then.....   

BANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

‘Someone call the 911, she need an ambulance......where u got hurt? Do u want to drink some water?.......Ok cancel the ambulance she is standing up, we think u need a doctor, we can walk you until the minor injury section, can you walk?.............it seems we shouldn’t cancel the ambulance...we will chain your bike here, its medical school bike parking zone.....it’s a long way to the minor injury section, you are fine!!!!!!!!...............’

Minor injury section: ‘this lady got hurt by bike handle in the abdomen, when the bike skite nearby......bring a wheelchair, she need to go to the major injury section.................’

        Then the story of my life didnot remains the same anymore, you will find out as you read whole section. The pain in my body just disappeared with pain killer, but later the CT scan results showed major injury in liver and I was in the verge of surgery for my liver split and about to lose half of my liver.  I never knew the injury was so serious at 1^st day so when the doctors looked tensed, I thought what a drama! Once I made mind to run away from the hospital too, but everything doesn’t happens according to your wish!  In a day everything was happening so fast, I thought it must be a dream! Later from major injury section I got transferred to a ward for 24hrs observation and in the night, they transferred me to the other hospital, where they have liver specialist.  In the new hospital the doctors suggested at least 7days bed rest & redo the CT scan to see how much it healed and it’s still in danger zone or not.  The doctors were tensed about my liver condition and I was thinking, now my 5 working days are gone, how much drama!

        I was very closely monitored by the hospital staffs for next 48hrs, in the very next day I got very high fever. This fever made me weak, but I still didn’t take my injury seriously. I was tired with their concern and needle torture. After 4days one of the doctors showed me my CT scan to make me realize what a damage I did to myself and how much caring it needs to be back in normal life.  

         Yes staying in a hospital for 9days is a nightmare, when you feel absolutely fine. I realize there, that how much I love my normal life, which sometime seems to be boring to myself. But nothing can be comparable with a normal body without any pain, physically or mentally.  As the days were passing by in the hospital I felt like my positive energies are dropping. It is not because of the scary feeling inside me, it’s the scare in the other patient eyes, doctors and stuffs worry for everyone. So being a part of human caring required very strong mental ability, the pain and suffering in all corners of the hospital give rise to the negative energies and only their positive energy bring the sweetness from bitterness.  It is not only about the individual pain in the body but also of the mind.  It’s your mind which is absorbing others pain and the feeling which hurt you most is the others suffering. It’s like someone is punishing you indirectly and it can be worse memorable experience ever. 

Forgive to Forget!!!!!!!!!

           Firstly I must admit this topic is inspired by one of friend’s FB status update. The update was ‘Easier to Forgive….Difficult to Forget’ and there was lot of agreement and disagreement with this statement. This statement reminded me some of the past incident of my life and I came up with this idea, lets write on this topic. According to some people, forgiveness make you a great person but you should remember the incident so you don’t walk through that path again and others think then u haven’t forgave yet. Here I must say, sometime we treat ‘let it go’ as ‘forgiveness’, & we never forget the sin and the person involve in the sin. If we think the incident was not a sin then we just have to let it go, there is no need of forgiveness.

           Once I asked my father ‘have you forgave him’, the obvious question was ‘who?’. I said ‘the man cheated you with your first savings’. He smiled at me & told me ‘if I have failed to forgive him, then I would never trust anyone else & we are not poor today’. Yes I agree he must have forgiven him but never forgot the incident, this memory he will carry lifelong, and some incident you can’t forget.

           I had a friend or I must say the person is still one of my good friend. Every time we meet, we chat and fight about my friend’s disappearance after the previous meet and no information about the incidents took place in our lives. Every time I think next time if I see the person in the road I will never talk back or I would never answer the email. But after all these years I realised I would never forget the person after all those act and now a days when my mom asks about that friend, I usually reply, well the friend would appear from some of this empty space. Then there would be an emotional drama and we will talk normally again, after some time we will not be in touch again. So sometime you have to let it go and may be you don’t want to forget the incident or the person.      

           Then there is another incident, I had a very close friend. Who actually help me a lot to overcome my difficulties, understand me the most and be there even when I haven’t ask for the help. I considered the person as my true friend and I had this believe whenever I would need the help most, the person would appear as an angel. But in the trouble time, the whole situation was reverse. My friend was the first person who left me in my trouble time and never came back. With time, i forgot the incident, but if you ask me about the forgiveness, well some acts never reach the level of forgiveness. This time is was easily forgotten but never forgiven.

           This is my idea about forgive and forget, it will vary from person to person. Some time we don’t want to forget and we can’t forgive but in both case someone hurt our feelings and trust.   

Crush, Infatuation and Obsession

This time the topic is related to LOVE, as it is the end of the ‘love month’.  The month February is the month of roses, teddy bears, chocolates, promises, proposes and obviously loves. February reminds us about Valentines Day, a day to show your love to the people belong to your world and miss them little more than other days. I think that’s why February comes with 28 days to end this crazy month soon. In leap year the craziness last longer for another day! So this time I picked out some words, Crush, Infatuation and Obsession, not the synonyms of love (must be noted).

           According to my dictionary, crush means hit or damage some property, actually which is true. In teenage it happens to everyone, a sudden like or dream about one or many person. But after some time, the dream changes and shapes differently, so actually it is a sweet damage. Here I must mention, it doesn’t happen only in teenage, it happen in other ages too and also need to note it is normal for human being. That why our favourite actor, actress, book, movie, serial, drama, writer, director, food changes with time or we have list of them (at least I have).

           Then the question is how infatuation is different than crush (even I’m little confused over here). In other word if ‘infatuation’ can be split as ‘in fat notion’. When crush last longer it turns to infatuation. Whenever there is bigger event in life than the previous the infatuation ends. After long time when you think about your crush, the memories make you smile but in case of infatuation it makes you angry (at least for me). It’s better for every one to leave the state of infatuation state as soon they realize.     

           Lastly obsession, I think it is abnormality of human mind. The obsession involving the person, give rise to insecurity, fear which is very dangerous for both parties. The person in obsession can destroy the main rules of love and turns to the most negative person, which is not expected from a person in love. It is a say that ‘everything is fair in love’, but how far you can go to achieve your love without hurting anyone even not yourself. This ‘say’ some time considered differently and finally obsession dominates and rules everything and destroys the pure love.

           Love teaches to respect, to forgive, to sacrifice, to be determined and broad-minded. Love comes with pains and tears, it’s not the end, it’s the destiny.

Saraswati puja or Valentine’s Day for Bengal

I think everyone is confused from the above title, how can be Valentine’s Day be correlated with Saraswati puja! Some people may think I am making fun of both the special days, but keep reading you will find the relation by the end of this writing. Saraswati puja, it is the worship of goddess Saraswati. In India Saraswati is the goddess of learning and music. Now i think everyone is trying to find the connection with Valentine’s Day.  How can be goddess of learning and music is related to love!

               According to my knowledge Saraswati puja day was the day for unlimited freedom.  This day my mom will not ask me where i’m going and with whom and most importantly when i will be back to house. Moreover the day of Saraswati puja and day after the puja day i am officially in holiday from studing!  So it was the day for unlimited hanging out with friends in own school, other schools and also outside the school. This unlimited fun starts before Saraswati puja like inviting other schools for puja, then decoration of school, coaching center. This fun part was absent in my college days, as we didn’t have saraswati puja in college or even it is there i never went over there. Even in my college days i use to go to school and coaching center and most surprisingly all our school friends and teachers use to know about this unofficial reunion date. No one has invited us, there is no contact between the friends during the year, but certainly we all found our friends in this day.

             The fun of Saraswati puja doesn’t ends here, as it is a festive day all the young girls and boys dressed very beautifully for the occasion. All the girls wear sari (traditional Indian cloth) and boys also in panjabi or kurti (traditional Indian cloth). So all the young people of various age look totally different, i must say very beautiful with all these dresses, jewelleries, perfumes etc. If you go to Kolkata during this day, i can assure that you would say ‘o the city look more colourful and beautiful than any other time’.  Most amazingly only this day there is no barrier between the boys school and girls school, and mostly all the boys are infront or inside the girls school! Also lot of boys notice all those girls in this day, whom they never notice in the whole year. It is the beauty of this special day or the weather of Kolkata. Now you know why i was calling it as Valentine ’s Day for Bengal!

         During my long stay in UK, twice in a year i miss Kolkata most, once during Durga puja and once during Saraswati puja. I really miss those days. Choosing mom’s sari, then mom’s warning about the sari safety. Then keeping track on my friend’s information as they want to disappear with someone, so i need to manage (as their parents will know they are with me!) etc. Also during decoration time gossiping, dancing, singing, painting through the night before and in the very next morning running for puja arrangement and then the priest’s sought at me as i did something wrong in the puja thali like every year.  For me it never became Valentine’s Day, but from the eyes of my friends, cousins it was more Vday than puja day. The love blooms everywhere, the festive season starts in Bengal with this puja in the spring, more will come in the coming months, and the perfect love rose will be ready by Durga puja!     

Friendship @ social network

Friendship is the most important and sensitive word in a human life. What comes first in our mind after hearing the word ‘friend’, some face, some words and lots of memory! Have we ever thought if friends are not there what will happen to us, for me the world will become colourless, silent and mournful.  People say friends are the only family chosen by us, all other relationship we get them as a birth right or work right. Friends from school life, college life, work life and social network life and this time my topic is about the friendship happens by social networking.  This friendship has killed the real meaning of friendship.

            Friendship is the ship, by which we promise to begin a lifelong never ending journey forever; the ship travels through the ocean of sorrows, sea of joy, beside the trouble island. Sometime we can see some holes in that ship, but it never fall apart, we always feel save there.  A person’s popularity can be measured by the numbers of their friends and valuation of the friendship is impossible in terms of their social status. I know lot of people will agree with my statement and lot people will think who is the mad person will say something like this about friendship! Social network has proved the above statement is so true. Recently I found out one of my friend has 550 friend in the friend list and I asked how you know so many people! The person replied ‘more than 200 people is in don’t know category’. This reminds me about another act of my other friend, suddenly we found out, the number of friends was decreasing in his social profile and his answer was, he was deleting the unknown people. Even I get those entire requests, please add me as an orkut friend or a friend request in the facebook without any mutual friend! I replied them as do I know you? They answer was, now we can know each other. Sorry strangers I am happy with the friends I have.  

            Even the persons we know, how much we are aware about their life! Some people don’t have their status update or picture uploaded in the social network, do we ever try to know about them or remember them once in 2-3month! Even if we see their social status update, if they had a bad news do we call them after sometime to know how they are now! If social network is not there, I feel we would have call our close friends atleast once in 6month to find out about them, now we have these assurance, o the person is in the facebook, I will find the activity other there, does it truly work like that!   

            I’m not telling that all these is so bad, you connect to your very old friends and you can keep in touch with them, without the social which was impossible.  However, nothing is impossible if you do care about the person, you don’t need them in your social network profile. You will gather information about them by other source and if they need you, you will be beside the person in the time they need you most.   

A New Year with the old hopes

Time passes by one year comes and leaves us with lot of memories, achievement, sorrows. Then again another year comes and all of us hope for the best. I think in every New Year we all wish to fulfil the old hopes what we have not achieved in the past year. If we make a list of the wishes in every year in the 1^st week and try to read in the next year, i can guaranty 50% of them will be the same.  

Once i have asked to one of my friend, that what is his new year resolution? He said the resolution i took last year and last last year and even year before that. He never fulfilled it in any of these years so every year he wish that he will fulfil in this year and so on in the coming years. Then he asked me what about my wishes. I said i never had anything in my mind in the start, i just move with time, whatever time asked me to achieve or lose i just go with flow as i can’t predict the future. If you want something in the start, then if you don’t achieve at end you will think you did nothing in the whole year. I don’t like that emptiness.

Once i have asked to my mom, what she want in this year. She smiled and told me, i will cook, watch serials, wait for you and your dad at the end of the day, go to your uncle’s place and later shout at you, all i did last year. There is nothing new, everyday is same to me 1^st or 31^st. I realised that the life is different for house wives that the working peoples.   

I had a cousin who was trying really hard to pass a competitive exam and she was stuck in the mid, As once she passed the written exam, then next year she didn’t got a chance after the viva exam. So after these years i asked her ‘you have tried for three times, still you want to try’. She said may be this year will bring the luck and i will accomplish what i want. After another two year she got the job, so for her new year means a new opportunity, she can sit for another exam. For my uncle it was how to gain more crops in the bad weathers and a new strategy for survival in the new year.  

However all of us just want to chase the old dream or hope, so a new year with the old hopes. This year will be different and we will achieve all we wanted last year as the time is changing every year. May be you have seeded your dream tree last year and this year it’s time to collect the fruit from that tree and try to multiply and amplify all those dreams. 

Happiness: the biggest relative parameter of life

           I should write at the beginning, this topic is inspired by two songs. One of them is from Satyajit Ray’s popular movie ‘Gupi gayen Bagha bayen’, ‘Ek je chilo raja, tar bhari dukho’. I think all of us from Bengal know this song and the other is from Rabindranath Tagor’s ‘Mayar Khela’. The first few lines of the song is ‘Era sukher lagi chahe prem, prem mele na, sudhu sukh chole jai, amoni mayar cholona’. Ok people who don’t know the songs, the first song were about a king, who is very sad despite of having all the happiness possible and the next one is about love & happiness, searching one of them to achieve the other. If you ask me, I would say happiness is a biggest illusion, only your heart can decide your happiness or sadness. You can’t buy happiness or you can not beg for it. I think we all search for happiness or sometime we earn it or even snatch it. How happiness is a relative parameter will tell you now.

           From last week the north-east England has been turned to white. I never had seen such snow madness in the past 3yrs, continuing for more than a week in the month November. Like other yrs when it started, everyone around me was very happy. For some this is the first time in their life to see it, smell it, touch it, and feel it and for others, its time to play with snow. Seems like the unfinished game in snow will be completed this year! But for me it was the same old trouble knocking the door. I was really sad. Snow so early! I expected no snow this time, as it was really bad last year. The reasons of my unhappiness,                   

1. I can’t ride my bike now, so I have to walk: wastage of time.
2. My snow boot was leaking last year, now I have to buy a new one!
3. Snowing means, the outside temperature is around 1°C to –(6-10)°C, I have to turn on the house heater. How much I’m going to pay for electricity bill! And it is only November, more is expected.

           Even I agree when you walk during snowing, it feels like God’s blessing are showering on you and the beauty of the surrounding can not be explained in words. It feels like someone came with white paint and painted the trees, the houses, the roads, the hills. Latter the sunshine in the snow makes me to collect the glitter in the ground, for the time I forget I’m felling cold. But the truth remains the same, my leaking boot, slipping in the icy road and late arrival in the university reminds me the miseries. So the sadness and the happiness both are my illusion.

           Even I saw it from my childhood, human being is not happy with what they have. They can always see what others have more than them. But they never acknowledge what extra they have! When you achieve some of your desired happiness, you want more and then turned to unhappy again. So it is what we decide ‘Happy forever’ or ‘Sadness is my friend forever ’.

An unknown face behind the known mask

I can’t remember where I have heard this line ‘Mukh mukhosher arale se ek achena manush’, in English ‘A stranger hidden in the face mask’. I really liked this line and surprisingly I realized we all have a range of face mask which changes with time and place. Some people will name it as change of strategies with situation. I will start to analysis about this ‘face mask’ with examples among my relatives, neighbours and friends etc. The people seem to a lot known to us.

           My uncle, who always believed that, if you have a daughter, then you should start saving. You should provide a reasonable education to your daughter to catch a high-quality groom. When I entered to an engineering college, the first comment was, now you can have a NRI groom. I became red in anger and left the place. My idea was how you can say that after being a head teacher of a school! Then, when I got the admission for UK, he was the first one who brought me the suitcase to travel. Which one is the real man & which one is the mask is the confusing question now. A man can’t change his idea about a particular subject in 4yrs! Another uncle who seems to have a pride about me, that I am an engineer. Suddenly he gave a peculiar suggestion to my father, when the news was in the air that I’m leaving for UK soon. The suggestion was, why she can’t do a job and you should search for a groom, stop all these nonsense, a single girl going to UK! This time I was not surprised, as I have already got the idea of ‘mask’.

           I should tell another story related to one of my neighbour. When he came to the neighbourhood, we came to know that he was a very well known retired SP. Then one day there was a fraud in our house. So my mother just called him to verify the matter. He came and talked to the person & as he didn’t put any question mark to the matter, my mother just gave the money to that fraud person. Latter we find out he cheated us and he usually do it everywhere. My father just said to us, now I know which kind of SP he was. This incident left me with a big question, do we see the real man for the time or only the ‘face mask’ became familiar to us day by day. 

           In my friend circle I found that lot of people became important when they got a good marks in different exams. For some people, they start to fly in the sky when they got a good job; they thought that they can rule others. Some of them left their old friends as they don’t match to their friend’s category now. So their change in acts hurts a lot at the beginning, then I try to analysis, what is my mistake. Now I know that the person I knew before was a ‘face mask’, may be this is the real person, or it is another mask! Who knows…?

'LOVE' or 'LABH (gain)'

At first I should thank to all those persons, whose blog inspired me to write. I know my English is not good like them or rather I should say I prefer to write in Bengali. So the mistakes in this writing, my readers please forgive me as it is the first one.

           Now I should start with the topic, ‘LOVE’ or ‘LABH (gain)’. Actually it’s good to hear on Bengali, as ‘LABH’ is a Bengali word; the English translation would be ‘gain’. It’s a clash between the superficial meaning and the underlying meaning. Long time a go one of cousin sister, told me this, when we younger’s put a big question mark on her choice. It was an arrange marriage, but our bother-in-law was dark and short, but he had a good job (5-6 digit salary). My sister gave an angry look & told us, I saw his CV not him. I was so much surprised that I almost fell from the chair. This incident took place during my school life, so can’t remember the reaction of my other cousin sisters.

           Even in my collage life I found the same old story, the girl left the boy, as she got a better choice or I should say extra gain than the previous. Then I realise may be it can be explained in terms of security, the increase in security lead you to a better option. It is not only in case of girls, for boys they change girls where the variable parameter is beauty and quality. There is no guilt on this act, as they never try to remember the start point. You keep looking for the best as you have improved yourself, then where to stop! Anyway it’s their life, so no comments.   

           When I came to UK I thought the experience can be different, as the time and place is different. But life is full of surprises. I saw so many love stories over here, which was different than the previous. However, some recent incidents changed my all ideas. As if I was dreaming of true love, was in the fairy tale or a movie, now it’s time to face the truth. Saw some heart breaks among my friend circle or I should say end of one story. Why story! You will find soon. When I got these sad news (break up of the couples), I was mournful for some day and then I decided to meet them. So I was really scared that what I should say to the person. Then surprise & surprise, they are already seeing someone else. All of them replied me as, ‘should we all cry our entire life in this thought that someone is gone, anyway that story will finish someday, may be this way or other way’. Even I support their thought, but your love just left you a week ago! The truth again showed its colour, LOVE doesn’t exist anymore, its all illusion. If you get a better option, choose that, otherwise world will call you a loser.