Broken Wings

Almost after two long years I'm back for blogging. You must be surprised about the title, so this blog is about the part of my life when I felt to be a bird with broken wings and like this I came to Bangalore. The Bangalore journey was a life of a postdoctoral researcher and where I never thought that my life would become upside down.
I always wanted to return to India after my PhD for the love of my country and love of my people. I also had a plan to learn something new. I started with chemical engineering (undergrad), then electrochemistry (masters and PhD) and now it was time for materials (as suggested by my PhD supervisor). Now I cannot even remember that how I had suddenly introduced to energy storage. As soon as I finished PhD, reached India, life was not that beautiful as I've assumed in my UK days. I had started for internship in a small battery company and later I received a postdoctoral fellowship from UGC. Even then I didn't know that I was coming to IISc Bangalore. My first choice was IIT Mumbai, as I was overwhelmed with it's facility for research in energy storage. However, due to some official issue within the institute, I couldn't join there and which left me heart broken. Then I had approached to several places, but I was not able to get a positive reply. During this time I had questioned myself several times about my return to India, I simply felt rejected from every aspect.
In case of selecting cities other than Kolkata, Bangalore was my choice due to its various stories which I heard from a very special person (eventually who also left me heart broken). Even then I was unaware about the magical touch of Indian Institute of Science and suddenly IISc gave me shelter which was beyond my expectation. I must admit, from the day 1 to Matetials Research Centre, IISc send me a positive feeling that I belong here, all the rejection was only to reach here.

My adviser Prof. Prabeer Barpanda was a very new faculty (he had joined 5 month earlier than me) then. In lab, availability of equipment was not the only issue, even chemicals we (myself and 1st PhD student of the group) use to borrow from other labs. Once we thought that these lab people will see us in the corridor and would wrote in their lab door that nothing is available for borrowing! Though I must mention that initial days all the experiments use to happen only for the help from everyone including various departments in the institute. With all these help I had learnt ceramic synthesis, materials and within 6 month time I have presented poster in an international conference.
It was my adviser's suggestion that I should go for the conference taking place in Jaipur, as Jaipur is a beautiful city to travel for. But, alone it was no fun, so I manage to convince others and all together it was a journey to cherish and would be in my memory for long time. In my life it was the 1st time when I missed one entire session to explore the city. This journey also includes the travel to Agra,our desperation for Taj Mahal. Later we all came back with huge amount of tan due to so much travel in the different temperature region. On top I had received 'best poster award' in this conference.

Another memorable event was IISc's annual sports week when I got a call from swimming pool, where my friends was asking me to join the swimming competition. In these years, I forgot that during school time I use to participate in the district swimming meets. After long ten years I came back to swimming pool and it was my first swim marathon to participate. How can I forget what happened during triathlon! I was convinced by heavy emotion to take part in triathlon (for swimming part) and our group came 5th out of 75 groups for this event. I was almost renamed as water angel for materials research centre by my fellow juniors.

When I came to IISc, I was bird with torn wings-broken heart and very much scared to even see the sky. IISc (specially my adviser) in this stay of 1.5 years has enlightened me, gave me a bigger dream and goal. Taught me that life is very big and events I look as a huge mistake, in a long run its very small event, even to count for. For the peace of my mind, I had invest all my energy to learn something very new and in this run many viewpoint of life has changed. In this journey I also had left many friends behind, but they are not forgotten, our paths just became parallel. 

Now I dare to fly again and thank you for rejecting me.

                                                 ---- Swatilekha Ghosh

                                                     (29/12/2015)

What-Why-How

This is my first blog after completing PhD, so this time I though let’s discuss about PhD. Well my friends, who are going through PhD studies, do not look for any success tips in this writing. Then my non PhD friends don’t be scared, it is not an inspiration talk. I was thinking about this topic from long time, at first I thought the tile should be ‘the beginning at the end’. Then I realise PhD is not the end and the next step must be an extension only.  After spending so many years with the topic/subjects during my MPhil & PhD, I cannot even dream about the end. Love never had an expiry date irrespective of the subject. Then if there is no end, new beginnings do not exist in this context.  Then another title for this topic came to my mind, such as ‘from caterpillar to butterfly’. Well I had to discard this title too. As I was going through job applications, soon I realize may be I’m not a butterfly yet. I may have forgotten the pupa stage, hope I don’t have to sacrifice my life for silk!

Then with time I realise that the whole Newcastle-MPhil-PhD period might have taught something else. My supervisor use to say, whenever you want to start something to move from one point to another, ask to your previous part what-why-how and ask the same questions to the next part. Let me introduce you with this theory, whenever you want to answer a question, difficult or simple, ask or prepare yourself for what-why-how. What is the question about, why you are going to choose only this answer and how you are going to reach to the answers? Using this theory I had survived past six years. Whenever the stay in Newcastle was hard or the complex issues in the PhD made me rethink about the choices, this theory was the key. I might have complained about my supervisor’s ignorance many times during past six years, as she had the answers and she refused to tell me.  Now I know, those hard days were essential for me, at least for the next big issues of life.    

Some time it’s hard to find what we want in life! In case of Indian system we always try to fulfil family’s dream. However there are some exceptions, passion builds the courage to break all the boundaries. Those usually take the risk to go beyond everyone’s expectation and then success was secondary for them. I think over the years those people think and rethink and then decide about what they want most. Life might give you choices and then you have to decide, what you want. Once you know what & why you want, you cannot look back and regret. At some point, you have to be sure about what you want, not what your family want or what your friends expect from you.   

Previously I was always confused, confusion about the next step. Then I thought lets apply the research theory. Now I actually can differentiate different events for life, like what is important at the moment, why it is so important. May be in many cases I don’t know how I’m going to achieve or survive though the whole process, but at least I can try. It is a key which can open all the locks, with this believe, I just try.  Always keep faith on your wish. Let the love for your wishes show the way to the final point. Well I also believe that there is no final point. As you move, your final point moves too. Always remember love is strength not weakness. To find the way in difficult situations always ask yourself, what-why-how, because you and only you have the answers.     

Different shades of Love

I think love is the key factor for this world. Love has its own mystery and illusions. It cannot be defined or the definition varies in every stage of life. Starting from our childhood before we die, we all have this question what is love! Seriously what is love? We love our parents, siblings, other relatives, friends, pets even a little plant in our garden. We fall in love every day via food, movie, place, dress, computer game or might be with the way we present ourselves to this beautiful world. Some people will disagree with me, they might claim it’s like or affection or a simple sympathy. Even then after some time we usually claim ‘ohh, I just loved it’. I would say it is an effect of love. I think the main components of love are trust, affection, respect, compassion, sympathy. These create the shades in love.

Many times we wonder aimlessly thinking about love. Whom to choose and who is important! Lot of time I found myself alone in a bench copying the class notes. In the next moment I’m starring on the names written in those desks. I kept my pencil moving over the names on and on, thought that much of love is allotted for me this time. Now I know, actually I was remembering the old time and loving those memories. I realise if the bench was not empty, how I was suppose to find out the amount of love was built in that time! Some time we say, ‘i don’t love you in this way, i was thinking in other way’. I must say Love is love, there is no this way or that way. But the amount of love might be different, do not confuse love with relationship. You can love a person when you do not have a relationship with him or her. All relationships are bounded by love but love is not bounded by the relationships. Now some people might come up saying ‘what about the relationship bonded by hatred’, well to hate a person even for a moment you have loved that person. When you do not care about the person neither you have a relationship or love. It’s not a crime, if love blinds you, you will run on and on. But as soon as you realise that you cannot frame this love in a relationship, please try to fool love! I know it’s kind of impossible. Then do not run after love with a guilt notion! Accept all these shades with whole heart, may be then you will be able to choose your own shade.

 We have tried to define even the colour of love. Red is the colour of love, I don’t know who made this! Those popular card company or Valentine’s Day! I always have this question why, why red! Not blue or green or black. It is simply red because our blood is red and with that magical touch of love our heart becomes more active. Then we actually turn to red. If you have to choose a colour for love, won’t you are going to choose the favourite colour of your loved ones. If they dislike red, are you going to appear in front of them in red? Well if you love red, then it can work in other way.  So love actually have different colours, with time and age this colour will have its own shade. The time and the events of our life force us to evolve and love actually changes its shade. If you have a smooth love life irrespective of friends, family or partner, then love with appear in bright shades in many colours. The ripples in between different phases of life will give a very challenging shade to love. That’s why ripples are important; they let you choose between the phases, but never ever give up on love.  Keep faith on love.   

In my school time I wrote,

L= lot of sorrow

O=Ocean of tear

V=Valley of death

E=End of life

With time this has changed and I’m noting down the changes with different phases of my life. 

The Distance

The distance in terms of road is always negligible,
if we have managed to travel the distance between hearts......
The distance is negligible always of road in terms,
the distance if we have travelled between hearts managed to.....
If between hearts, the distance we have travel managed to,
always negligible is the distance of road in terms....
The distance of road is always in terms negligible,
the distance managed to travel between hearts, if we have....
Road in terms is always negligible,
if the hearts travelled have managed the distance between distance of 'we'......
Negligible road,
travelled in the distance between distance,
the hearts of we, have managed always the term 'if'.....
Travelled, managed, the distance, the road,
have we always neglected the term 'if'!
the distance in between hearts!

                                                                   











                                                                          --------Swatilekha ghosh
                                                                                         (2/3/13)

Inspired by : "আমার মনে নেই " - Anupam Roy and "830 Fireplace Road" - John Yau

The fire

The smell of flames,
made me restless...........
An invisible source,
like fighting with a ghost....
The fire was inside me,
it was burning me everyday,
let it burn me only to purify.....
As I believe,
I deserve to be burnt....
Hope when the fire will die away,
it will take away my pain....
There is always a hope at the end.

                                                       ---- Swatilekha Ghosh  
                                                             (9th December, 2012)

Disease or cure!!!!!!!!!

         Again i’m back after 6month...well I can say that I was busy with my work..finishing up experiments, as my PhD time was finishing......etc etc etc....main reason is I didn’t had a topic on my mind or I had lost the inspiration for writing. This topic is based on one of my friend’s FB status ‘Madness is not a disease; it's a cure to feel free’. So today I will talk about madness and it should be or not considered as disease or cure.

         Before stating anything we need to discuss what is considered as ‘madness’. This is the biggest question in everyone’s mind; I must agree it is a relative parameter. What I consider as madness may not be to you, it can be very normal attitude. Lets start with some example: once I saw one of my neighbour ran away with her lover, as their family was not happy in their happiness, as usual the girl was getting married to other person. So her disappearance was not crazy, but her father’s act was definitely crazy! After she left, her father was about to kill the couple and himself!!! Well this incident didn’t take place but I thought the father was crazy. Then there was a guys in our school, very talented, he ranked within 20 in his board exam within state. Then instead of becoming a doctor/engineer he studied literature. I can still remember, most people in the school said ‘he has lost his mind’.  I had a friend who always gives up one of the favourite dish, to score well in the exam or writing letters with blood to prove love....I thought it was madness. May be all these events are normal for others but to me was crazy act. So madness should be considered as disease or not it is arguable. If someone’s madness hurts others then its a disease, otherwise what’s wrong! it’s the person’s choice. Its free world everyone can act according to their wish. But if your action hurts other, then please stop the madness. It can be cure to feel free! I would say if your action give you happiness then just act accordingly, don’t think its a cure. According to me to feel free you don’t need a cure. You need a cure when you have a disease, why a normal person is going take pills for insomnia or depression.

          I love to write poems and stories after being a PhD student in electrochemistry & materials. I wrote a letter to my best friend to wish him happy birthday after two years (when we didn’t have any contacts), & everyone thought, such a mad girl! I love working odd hours in lab, love to swing, love to cry in my favourite heroin’s sadness; love to walk 4miles every day...if that identify me as a mad one! Then.....well everyone’s action is unique, that make them individual person. That can be freedom to them, disease to others..........According to me Madness is not a disease and there is no cure to feel free.

Heroes & Villains Vs. Common man

Well I’m back with my blog after 2month, as I can’t find a suitable topic to write about. Now I have few more topics in my mind so blogs are in its way in the coming weeks.

           As I wrote in FB ‘Heroes & Villains are created by us, its hard to be a common man’ & this time the blog is all about them, the heroes, the villains and obviously the common man. Again this topic is also inspired by 2 songs, Nachiketa’s  ‘ it’s a game’ and Anjan Dutta’s  ‘ ami onnyo keu noi ami sobai’ it means, ‘I’m not special, I’m everyone’. I liked those songs so much that I started to write and I must say it will take such a huge will power to become everyone and bare the responsibility, consequences. Why? That’s I’m writing now.

           Let’s start with the Common man, whom you think to be a common man! We, who always complain about their life, fate, country, weather etc etc. Why we are complaining because we can not bare the truth that rest of our time, we will be common man. But it’s not easy to be a common man or everyone! To be a common man, you have to think, talk, walk, dream, wish, fear like everyone.  Then we all want to be a little different, superior than others, but end of the day we all remain the same, the common man. So if you really think that you are superior to other then you are not a common man any more, you may not know, but a hero of someone’s life and your every action counts. 

           As a common man we have lot of power, to construct something or destruct something, we make heroes, we make villains, we can show our happiness, anger, sorrow. I know everyone is surprised now, if the common man can do all these things then what remained for the heroes and the villains. Well for them, we the common man decide, what they should have, they have their thought, talk, walk, dream, wish, fear according to our expectation, as we create their superiority and inferiority according to our wish. Don’t agree!!! I will give you some example.

           Our heroes, the great actors, singers, poets or cricket players etc, the superstars of our heart, how long did we take to made them our hero! Had we ever thought that they want to be our hero or not! Now everyone will think what an awful question, obviously they love our attention. Well when they do great things make us proud, we show our love & faith on them and when they failed to reach our expectation, we made those heroes to villains. One bad score in a game, one bad performance made them a villain by us, but never thought about their expectation. Well we don’t need to because we are the common man.

           Some heroes like the scientists, Jesus Christ & others always remain as a hero, after all the ups & down. For the hero’s they never give up on the common man, they had the faith on the common man power and they always succeed to convey their message to the common man. As a common man, we have given the power of responsibility and to face the consequences, whether it is good or bad.   

           Let’s revisit the actions of the biggest villain of history, the greatest betrayer Mirzafor or the villain from epic the demon Ravan. Ravan was just trying to do a justice about the humiliation with his sister, may be his way was wrong, but the cause was not. For Mirzafor, he was just trying taking revenge, he never knew that his betray will cause a terror not only to Bengal also the whole India. Again his way was wrong not the cause. Then they never thought that their one action will keep them in history forever. May be they had good actions too, but the common man had already marked them as villains, why not! The innocent common man had to face the consequences of slavery for years. So it is hard to be common man.

           All the heroes & villains are in this time for a cause to the common man, but some time the common man also forgets that the heroes & villains were common man once. They also have the pain, joy, regret, anger like all the common man, so they are not going to act according to the expectation all the time.